So, I may (or may not) have been recommended a movie to watch by Amber KMuse: It’s gay vampires! Stephanie, you should totally watch it! I know you’ll love it as I’ve seen it and it is totally up your alley. Or at least that’s what I heard, hindsight tells me this might not be exactly what she said. Of course, the lure of a gay vampire movie is hard to resist for one such as me. Here though, again, hindsight tells me I should have stayed far, far, far away from this movie. Or at least been wise enough to stop watching once I realized my mistake. Instead though? Instead I stuck it out, hijacked my friends Facebook chat and gave them a running commentary on this flaming piece of poo.
If I have to suffer so do they.
As I am the oversharing type, I thought you may enjoy our exchange — but as a warning! This show is terrible. I kept the chat pretty much as it happened without edits. So what you see here is essentially my brain vomit. Also, this post is absolutely NSFW, and is rated R due to language and for the type of movie it is (throughout the show I wasn’t entirely certain it wasn’t an uncleverly hidden porn) so think carefully before going forward.
Stephanie: Now I’m finally watching the gay vampire one — its pretty terrible so far
Molly: Oh no! Haven’t seen it.
Stephanie: It still could be deliciously bad…but I’m leaning no
Molly: Heh. Keep me posted. : )
Amber Kmuse: Haha it is so bad.
Amber Kmuse: Wasn’t going to ruin it in case you had a different feel since our liked don’t always click
Stephanie: It’s 10 minutes in and I still haven’t seen a fucking vampire
I think this is it
Amber Kmuse: He shows up soon…in the abandoned building
Stephanie: I am ready to get my gay vampire on — he’d better show up quick — and he’d better be way cooler than the other guy this one is mooning over
yeah kid, walk around the spooky ass building in the middle of the night
that has open holes and stuff
makes perfect sense
And now we have vampire!!!!
Wait. No. Looks like vampire’s victim
although he has a Dracula hair thing going on
Amber Kmuse: I made it 30 min in then skimmed
Stephanie: “I’ll get some food for you” “Don’t worry, you’re the food that I want” Nom nom nom
I may be expecting this to turn into a porno
Amber Kmuse: Hahaha that is about right for dialogue
Stephanie: Ooooh yeah, look at those creepy red eyes, they look hawt. Says dumb hero
Amber Kmuse: The hero is a little bit messed up. Jerk dodged a bullet with that guy
Stephanie: If this is the vamp I’m disappointed he’s eating food.
Amber Kmuse: Yup but he doesn’t know yet…ours is an idiot
Stephanie: I pretty much hate everyone right now. I hope this isn’t the vampire. I was hoping for some…vamp
ooooh eat this banana…..
are you sure this isn’t going to turn into a porno amber?
Amber Kmuse: Uhm…not that I saw, but I did skim. I have come to the conclusion that asians just can’t do vamp stories
Stephanie: I need to go get help! Ooooh but I just fell like a….
yep there’s blood
he is eating the blood
I think I can eat blood?
WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?????
Maybe you’re not human! Maybe you’re….a VAMPIRE!
Yeah, that’s what I fucking say too Mr Vampire
So he doesn’t know he is a vampire?
Well, at least he won’t have the ‘I’ve been alive for hundreds of years’ brood on him
Oh. SO now he’s an amesiac vampire?
Wasn’t sure it could get worse
and then it did
What do you mean you can’t bring the vampire home with you? Isn’t that the next step in the amnesic vampire porno?
Amber Kmuse: Oh wait…you need to find out how he feeds his new boyfriend
The Feeding and Caring for your Vampire amnesiac boyfriend.
Ew. So he’s going to be a feeder? This premise gets less cool
I think it would probably be more interesting as a porno.
Amber Kmuse: Nope he kidnaps his dinner
Stephanie: the blood of his enemies?
Amber Kmuse: Or a jerk ex
Stephanie: Oooh real estate agent is getting handsy
this might become a porno yet
Amber Kmuse: He ties him up and takes blood each day for new boyfriend
Stephanie: boom boom jiggity
this movie is creepy
and not in a good way
in a I feel dirty for watching it way
in a, good lord this may ACTUALLY be just a bad, a really bad porno way
and why is everyone wearing the same underpants?
Did they buy them for the cast in a big pac?
I don’t care if they are too tight! They were 6 for a dollar!
yep. it’s a porno
and now we have toe suckage
lameo hero who sleeps with everyone, lameo amesiac vampire, and cringe-worthy dialog
did he sleep with him to get the house?
Amber Kmuse: In my defence I didn’t make it to the porno party
Stephanie: Vamp has no fangs? Well neither does this movie.
And for once I mean my finger
that was dirty
you have to forgive me I’ve been editing smut all day
Like this house? Good. Because I totally just slept with someone to get it for you
vampire had better become more…vampy soon
I understand the need for no cape. Capes are so passe
Vampire is wearing the white underpants!
They really did buy them in a pack
Now why did you get in the tub with him, weirdo?
He’s asking him if his lover is a boy or a girl
I’m all–“hey horny toad, not everyone literally jumps from person to person to person like you”
now they are mopey kissing.
Amber Kmuse: Where did camp boy come from. He seems kind of clueless
Stephanie: Okay. Vampires learning to kiss, I admit is cute
“we’re boyfriends now!” Okay creepy. He has no memory, you were in love with someone two minutes ago, and he’s saying he’ll do anything to make you happy because you’re his food supply
this is not going to end well for you
Great news guys!
Stephanie: They are wearing different underpants!
Stephanie: This guy is like vampire puppy.
I hope he remembers he has a really cool life and gets the hell out of there.
This guy is awful, stringing the pedo/realtor on. Yes he’s creepy but should you be stringing him along like that with sex?
Molly: Wow. This is some show!
Stephanie: doesn’t it make you want to watch?
maybe he’s like a vampire prince
Amber Kmuse: Don’t….it is bad
Stephanie: and though he doesn’t remember his family will find him and come take him away
Oooooh….is he going to slice up douchy ex boyfriend? Is he going to become a murderer? This show suddenly got interesting
He’s not going to murder him? Bummer
Is he going to just ask him for the blood? Well, less interesting.
Oh great. More creepy sex we don’t care about..
Oh wait. Bondage
THIS IS A PORN!!!!
Stephanie: he’s trying to get the blood. Did he really think this brilliant plan was going to work?
Dude. Where did he get the needles from? The vampire grocery store?
and now he’s back with his lameo amnesiac vampire faux-boyfriend/captive
Amber Kmuse: Again..stupid vamp.
Stephanie: does he ever get his groove thang on? Ever?
Amber Kmuse: Asian vamps suck….and rarely in a blood way
Stephanie: yeah. He is super whiny. I almost prefer the depressed, I’ve been living for hundreds of years vamps — at least they are alluring
some of them
Oh, he brought blood home for him. Guess it’s time to say thanks
You know in the only currency this guy understands
(which are back by the way)
Amber Kmuse: Boom chica wow wow
Stephanie: he moved pretty quickly from adorable just learned how to kiss to…whatever the fudge that was
I just can’t help but think this guy has a terrible home life where he just jumps from person to person who says they ‘love’ him
I will do anything to keep us together.
Even if it means murdering all my ex lovers
luckily there are many to choose from
ooooh he’s lying to vamp about where he’s getting blood. That at least is interesting
Although I hope I don’t have to sit through more bad porn scenes
Let’s be clear
I don’t mind boom boom jiggity schees
I do mind bad boom boom jiggity scenes
Molly: Me too. Awkward.
Stephanie: oooooh douchy ex boyfriend is alive
didn’t see that coming
oooh. I totally expected the dummy hero to fall for douchy ex
Amber Kmuse: You’re watching it so no one else has to
Molly: Thank you for sacrificing yourself like this. : )
Stephanie: ooooh vamp has a fan. Oh. Maybe amnesiac vamp is a ‘ho too!
Stephanie: awwwwww he told the other douchy guy they were boyfriends
oh no. does that mean it’s time for more white underpants?
Amber Kmuse: So many underpants…At least I hope there are more than just two
Stephanie: Ooooh he’s starting to remember things
uhoh pedo/realtor is there
oh, he’s pulling the “Oh so you don’t trust me?” this guy is TERREIBLE
Let’s try that again
“Wine, you’re so mean” Yes, yes he is
Run Pedo/realtor, RUN!
Is this thing done yet?
GAH! I’m only at 58 minutes
I deserve all the cheezits for this
Remember if it’s not me–don’t open the door!
Yeah, because it may be one of the people I’m catfishing
That guys underpants are pretty pristine for having been locked up for so long with no access to a bathroom
Stephanie: whoops. I’m long blinking
time for soda
and mother flipping cheezits
because I’m worth it
Amber Kmuse: Are you back on the diet Pepsi train
I fell off
I am being tortured!
aren’t we all doucy ex boyfriend
aren’t we all
Dude. You’re going to make out with him before killing him? That’s low
so you’re cheating on your Amnesiac Vampire Boyfriend with his lunch?
Amber Kmuse: It is amazing how there is not one likable character in this show
Molly: Dang. That’s sad.
Stephanie: and yet here I sit hour in
I have hopes for dopey amnesiac vampire boyfriend
Okay, just kill this guy already. He’s boring
And he really is just trying to trick you
Don’t let lunch escape, dopey! DON’T LET BE FOOLED BY LUNCH
Molly: Wow. The drama! : D
Stephanie: now he’s being short with amnesiac vampire boyfriend. I’m afraid when you get your memory back you will leave me.
the watchers say we’re hoping he will considering we just saw this big emotional scene between you and the feeder.
Wonder if he’s dead
probably not because this thing is toothless
Molly: This show does not sound redeeming.
Stephanie: trying to find a guitar for your boyfriend to play? Why don’t you go find someone else to sleep with so they will buy you one?
no, Molly, no it’s not
But… maybe it’s so bad it’s good in its badness?
Stephanie: no it is not but chatting with you guys is getting me through
It needs camp
Stephanie: and more than this hero guy grinning like an idiot, like that makes everything he’s doing okay
well now they are just chillaxin’ in the garbage heap.
Molly: Nice place to hang out!
Stephanie: totes makes sense
Molly: It’s just emblematic of the show itself.
Stephanie: Let’s get all lovey dovey amides the trash when we have a perfectly good house I’m stringing someone along for
speak of the devil it’s the pedo/realtor
HE’S CATFISHING YOU
Do not be so nice to him!
uhoh, Looks like the underpants are making an appearance
Stephanie: “You have to have sex with me the way I want” Yeah. there is no character with a redeeming value here. Just wait until he feeds you to his boyfriend
Stephanie: He’s calling him little boy.
HE IS A PEDO REALTOR!!!!!!
Stephanie: He’s asking to be raped?
Stephanie: Let me just whip out the handcuffs I handily have right on me
“Cool! I’ve always wanted to rape you”
what is with this fucking show?
Molly: Dang. It’s getting worse.
I didn’t think that was possible from your comments.
Stephanie: Yeah, you’d think
white underpants have made an appearance
well cool. We have feeder #2
so because he woke up from a nightmare does make what he did okay?
Ew. Even in his dream he’s self-absorbed and creepy dreaming that the people he’s captured are all in love with him
Molly: *face palm*
Stephanie: while vampire guy sits in the corner and watches. Yep, that pretty much sums up this show
buckup kid, maybe when amnesiac vampire boyfriend becomes un-amnesiac, he’ll realize he’s a terrible person too!
Then you will b a match made in heaven
Molly: Well…. Sounds like that was time well spent. LOL
Stephanie: so now he’s apologizing to douchy ex boyfiend telling him he’s sorry but his boyfriend needs to eat him and if that’ okay for a while and he promises not to tell, he’ll let him go at the end
can’t wait for this kid to get caught
which should happen soon considering he’s untying the douche
now we have pedo/realtor, who I’m guessing we’re going to drain. Oddly, I’m okay with that
Molly: Yes because you’ve developed such love for these characters.
Stephanie: now he’s telling him that he won’t be able to love him. Uhhhh….you’ve tied him up and drained his blood. What makes you think you’re so fucking loveable now, loser?
oh he is muerte.
My name is muerte
prepare to die
until my boyfriend sees me doing it and gets his memory back
Stephanie: oooooh turns out he isn’t the first person to do this for him. So disappointed by this mopey toothless vampire
flashback! A bland one. He has replaced his dad with dumb hero.
Be greatful someone wants to keep you alive, dumbass.
this show is the weeeerst
Molly: Yeah, I’ve had that feeling for awhile now. LOL
Strangely, I almost want to see it cause it’s so bad.
Stephanie: oh wait he ends up killing hs dad? Too late show, too late
vampire says peace out homie
I’m sure we’ll totally meet again
maybe next time you’ll just let me eat you like I said
love that he just left dumb hero there hanging out with the corpses
I have good news!
And bad news!
I only have 10 minues left
I still have 10 minutes left
this guy is going to Oscar the Grouch it in an garbage can?
Stephanie: This movie makes no sense and now the police found the dumb hero… if this is how the show ends….
Did I really stop watching Cinderella and the four Knights for this???
how did vamp get in jail?
is this a dream?
Amber Kmuse: I would like to apologize and say I missed tons of that….skimming is sometimes a good thing
Stephanie: IS THIS HOW THIS SHOW FUCKIGN ENDS?????????????
He doesn’t need to be in jail, he needs to be in an effing mental hospital
Amber Kmuse: But now you have this awesome post all ready to go
Stephanie: Oh wait. The last shot is the guitar by itself
did he die?
Did he kill himself?
And is that other guy STILL sitting in the garbage somewhere????
What has happened with my life
Amber Kmuse: That is all I saw and I didn’t care enough to skim back
Stephanie: I was delighted at the thought of gay vampires
where is that show?
That show could have been delightfully campy
and now I will apologize for holding our chat hostage the last TWO hours
Amber Kmuse: Haven’t you realized that vamp Asians are never campy. They are always weird
Stephanie: I did watch the vampire host club
Amber Kmuse: Except for vampire flower..That was campy
But sadly not gay
Molly: I think we need a moment of silence for what you just went through, Stephanie. You poor poor thing.
Amber Kmuse: This pepsi is lifted in your honor
Stephanie: I’d say thanks but you were the one who got me into this
Amber Kmuse: Love you
you are forgiven
Amber Kmuse: I promise the next gay show I suggest I will actually watch and not skim